Dear Dolores
by techviper
Summary: ok...i got this thing for really lame jokes so i'm expecting lotsa criticism...well...if you know the word sarcasm the you'll understand the title...just a little note seventy percent of the school would love Umbridge to see...


Dearest Dolores  
  
Your High Inquisitor-(is that just a bad abbreviation for irrational mosquito, or is it for real?)Excellency:  
  
Since your most interrupting arrival at Hogwarts, Professor (Good gracious me! Are YOU one?) Um.Um.was it Umbull? Probably, the name suits your monotonous lessons to an excellent degree. Full of it, they are. "Hem- hem.", if you'll allow me to quote your most popular self. In every sense of the word, we are unable to attend any lesson or even take a (unnecessarily convicting, perhaps?) stroll along the corridor without catching a glimpse of you, due to your outstanding popularity in the School, from your toad-like face to your little lacy bows that only compliment the frog-outfit further, to the absurd decrees pasted all over the wall like flypaper (well they are, we do see all sorts or rather serpentine flies seemingly stuck on them, possibly in delight.), to your sweet little kindergarten voice that suits your intelligence extremely well. In fact, if not for the sole fact that you speak barely understandable English, Umbovine, we stupid (well, compared to the Magnificent Ministry of Magic that actually hired you.who's stupid now, eh?) little mortals would have been convinced that the wrath of a giant fly- eating amphibian had descended upon us. Lovely, lovely, the colour of your pudgy cheeks match perfectly with the blueberry pie you were stuffing yourself with at dinner.  
  
Let's get down to your lessons, shall we? Apparent "Ickle brainless children" come in, expecting a wonderful lesson about gruesome monsters and fascinating ways to combat the Dark Arts.then they see the oversized creature squatting at the desk.then the creature rises up.and speaks. The students wonder if the skills they learnt the past two years will finally come to good use.then one loses his temper.strangely he seems more human than your Flying-Saucerness.yelling and all.and the Beast gives him detention. Or, in other words, time to carve the "wise words" of a bloated worm, only not so long and thin and good-looking. We dare not do the same thing to you, your Bloatedness, even if we wanted oh so bad to give you a taste of your own medicine.you might deflate like air rushes out of a balloon, and we would have to swim in metres of Umquid. How incredibly disgusting. Ah well, Umbummer, not much of a witch are you, eh? Maybe that's why we don't do wandwork anymore.and you could lose some of that weight.no hard feelings.anyway.just how much does it take out of you to same thing in class over and over and over again."I should like you to turn to page five and read "Chapter One, Basics for Beginners". There will be no need to-" -be a female dog, Umbitch. (Why, I quite like this name. It suits you beyond explainable measure.) Quoting a recent festival, "Love is the little things", I think we have every reason to loathe your Foulness. Since the day you brought your foul air to Hogwarts, you presented us with things of gargantuan size, like yourself, for instance. And the number of ridiculous decrees that came along with you. oh yes, I'm forgetting to mention the huge pain in the (I'd use stronger language, but it's not worth it on you) neck your little mannerisms are." Hem-hem.  
  
" I would like to announce my resignation as Headmistress and High Inquisitor, I have been puzzling myself far too often with my incredible stupidity, I must admit that the First-years who marched right into my office and let off Dungbombs were too much of a match for me, even when they told me exactly what they were doing and did not use a single bit of magic. Now, I must hand out my fortune of thirty-nine thousand Galleons, two hundred thousand and eight Sickles, and seven million-odd Knuts, sorry about the loose change, I tend to like to tip myself when leaving restaurants, It gives me a sense of power."  
  
Ah, the possibilities.  
  
Yours truly,  
  
The Um-bum-bridge-is-falling-down Society Consisting of seventy percent of the School's population, Led by none other than:  
  
The Distinguished Devil The Respected Wreaker The Brainful Baddie And assisted by many others. 


End file.
